Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
