I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
