so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
