Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
