so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
