I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Randomize
