We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
