Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
