I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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