if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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