i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
