We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
