everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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