I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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