you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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