you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
