dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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