Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
