i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
