Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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