between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
