I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
