and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
