oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
