I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
