Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
