Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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