I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
