What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
