have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
