I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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