I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
