God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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