I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
A+ Viking dick
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
