allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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