i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
