i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
