please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
