I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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