Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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