thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
