one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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