At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
