a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
