11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
