what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
