I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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