I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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