The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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