My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Farmville is her only friend.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
