Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
