Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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