I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
