You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
