whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
