I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
