I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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