I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
