Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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