maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
