dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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